Father's Day Car Show (Dayton, WA)

I grew up with a delicate relationship with my dad. When he was home, I was in a constant state of awareness and avoided him due to the fear of being punished. I can recall having little desire to head home at the end of the school day because of the likelihood of being lectured or disciplined. Not to say that I was the perfect kid. Looking back, there were many occasions when I did deserved to be punished for my actions yet while growing up I never saw things from my dad's perspective. At the same time I can recall getting in trouble for insignificant things that don't really matter. My shirt always had to be tucked in, I had to wear a necktie all sabbath long (Sunrise to Sunset) and I couldn't make friends at school because of the likelihood that they would be of bad influence. I feared my dad. Rarely did I see him as a friend and on a few occasions wondered if he even liked me. Back in the summer of 97, my mom packed up her bags and moved us to Seattle so my brother, sister and I could have a better education. My dad stayed in California for a few more months yet I can recall a tremendous feeling of relaxation and calmness knowing that he was far away.

There's a song by Mike & The Mechanics titled, "The Living Years." Each time I hear it on the radio it really hits home and makes me wonder what caused the relationship with my dad to wither away. It's easy to sit here and blame him for his mistakes and who I am today. Yet at the same time that would just continue the same resentments that he too had towards his dad. Abandoned by both his parents by the age of 14 and forced to become responsible for his 4 younger siblings. It's without a doubt there was a certain level displeasure towards his parents and childhood each time he reminisced on the past. It was that animosity and bitterness towards his parents that he carried towards my siblings and I when he got after us. Often the punishments were simply the results of him having a long day at work.

When I left home and attended college, I began to realize how much I needed my dad's help and support. Each time we talked on the phone he blamed me for things that were out of my control, never the less, I put up with him because I needed him and truly missed him. The closer I got to him, the more he reopened the wounds yet I kept believing that he would want me back. Finally it was before Ben was born that I made my last effort to communicate with him. I wanted to personally tell him that he was to become a grandparent and perhaps there would be a glimpse of excitement on the other end of the line. He wasn't. In fact it was the last time he mentioned how I didn't exist to him just to get a reaction from me. He didn't get my reaction.

I don't hold any grudge or hatred towards my dad. What good would that do me? In fact, I realize how important a dad's role is because of the little presence he had in my early years. Ben has brought an indescribable happiness to my life and it's unfortunate that my dad is missing out. I wonder if Ben will take for granted how much I want to be part of his life and support him as he grows up. I know I'm guilty of taking things for granted until they are gone... Take electricity for an example. On the other hand, I recognize that a terrific wife, a great kid, a place to call home and a running car are all things that many people don't ever get to enjoy. What I have is special. So what is Father's Day all about? Well personally it's about spending time with my family, the people I care about the most. Because after all, what kind of dad will I be remembered by Ben? A dad who didn't want to be bother or will he see how all I wanted to do is visit national parks and car shows with Traci and him by my side.